Beaver Fever

Overheard at the American Music Awards...
Leslie Nielsen: "Nice Bieber"
Usher: "Thanks, I just had him stuffed"

It Came From Beneath the Seat....

"Don't worry, it will come to pass" said the driving instructor, pointing at the car with no turn signals driven by a naked woman.

Bad Advice from the English

Little Known Fact #28614:
"Keeping your chin up" just makes it easier for someone to punch you in the face.

I have the power (failure)

Just once, why can't a power failure end at 12 midnight? (i.e. so we wouldn't have to change the time on the microwave)

Death by Cola

Coca Colon: deterioration of the lining of the colon, caused by drinking too many acidic soft drinks

Ring my Bell

Quasimodo wasn't sure why he kept rolling out of bed... but he had a hunch.

T-Shirts for Transvestites, vol. 1

seen on a post-op hooker's blouse: "WARNING: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS"

The Hand of Dog: FIFA 2010 recap

Some goals that should have been were called off,
while other goals that should NOT have been were left in...

Some players faked injuries when they weren't even touched,
while other players deliberately tried to injure anyone in their way...

The first round resulted in Tie after Tie after Tie,
And USA did better than Italy...

So someone please tell me: WHY DO THEY CALL THIS THE BEAUTIFUL GAME?

The Golden Rules, revised

direct from stoned tablets...

"Do unto others before they do unto you"

"Treat others as you wish them to be treated"

"Remember Black Sabbath and keep it holy"

NEW Classic Comebacks to Worn-Out Greetings, Volume 1

inspired by "Hey!" is for horses...
"Hi!" is for kites
"Yo!" is only half the story
"Hello" is a gelatin-based dessert served by Satan

How to have fun in Toronto, vol. 1

Every time someone says 'g20', yell out 'BINGO!'

Paintball Tactics, vol. 1

When playing Paintball, it's a good idea to carry a paintbrush in your ankle holster, in case of hand-to-hand combat.

Ramble on...

So my wife is sitting there, babbling on about the same thing for hours on end...
So I interject: "Girl, you sound like a broken record!"
Then it hits me: I COLLECT broken records.

We cater to adulterers...

Printed on a receipt from Quizno's:
"HAVING AN AFFAIR? WE CATER!"
Nice.

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danko bones

Top 3 Signs held up by horny women at Danko Jones concerts...
3. "Left my boyfriend in the trunk"
2. "Hey Mango Kid -- I eat Mangos for Breakfast"
3. "Danko's Spank-ho"

Great Drinking Songs, vol. 1

If you replace every occurrence of "sun" with "moon",
"You are my sunshine...." becomes a great drinking song.

Just Disgusting

"I don't know what came over me," said the blind man after the orgy.

Classic Fairy Tails De-bunked, Vol. 19

King Midas was just a dude who liked to pee on stuff.

poems of the lonely farm boy, vol. 1

The feathers plucked out
one by one...
"She loves me not,
but that was fun."

classic conquotination, vol. 2

Terry describes the best ribs she ever had: "They're so good they just fall out of your mouth."
I was confused until I decoded it as the combination of "melts in your mouth" and "falls of the bone".