America hopes you don't notice, Vol. 2

America hopes you don't notice...
Of all the countries in the world, they've had the MOST TIME to perfect the automobile, yet they still produce the WORST QUALITY automobiles you can buy.

America hopes you don't notice, Vol. 1

America hopes you don't notice...
Baseball is boring!

more nickelbashing!

me: how can you listen to this crap?
moron: but it's catchy!
me: so is herpes, that doesn't mean i want it in my ears.

little known definitions, vol. 1

"oregano" - the ancient italian art of paper folding

CONTEST: the funniest porn name ever

PLACE YOUR VOTE for the Funniest Porn Name Ever:
a) Vinnie Garduche
b) Willy Warner

trick or thrift

MONEY-SAVING HALLOWEEN TIP: instead of giving out candy, put a sign on your door that says "GREAT CANDY NEXT DOOR"

You're welcome!

eviller of 2 evils

QUESTION: Which band sucks more: Nickelback or Theory of a dead man? I've racked my brains over this one... it's tricky, because they're BOTH so terrible. Sometimes I think Theory is worse, but then I remember that Nickelback opened the door for ALL the shitty bands like Theory... chicken & the egg, man.

Anyone know the answer to this one?

patience: not worth waiting for?

"good things come to those who wait"
"good things come in small packages"

so... small packages come to those who wait?
guess you girls better hurry if you want a guy with a large package!

living at home...

FOR THE LAST TIME... can everyone stop asking other people if they "live at home"? EVERYONE LIVES AT HOME! In fact, that's the DEFINITION of home: it's WHERE YOU LIVE! And don't try asking them if they "live with their parents" instead, because we all know, THAT AINT LIVING AT ALL!

rants in your pants

AFTER A MONTH of complaining about how much junk mail is left at the front door of my home, I come home to find an elaborate piece of junk from a water purifying company. They left a note and a small empty bottle, so you can leave them a water sample and they can test it and tell you how badly you need to spend your money on water purifying.

SO OBVIOUSLY I'm going to piss in the bottle. The only question left is: which neighbor to 'piss off' by leaving at their door to be picked up? (I wouldn't leave a bottle of urine hanging from MY doorknob; that would be gross.)

everything zen, vol. too

semi-known fact: before New York Fries became successful by being the first fast-food producers to sell french fries with the skin on, they failed miserably with New York Chicken (chicken with the feathers on) and New York Omlettes (eggs with the shells still on)

fast food franchises, as with blog entries, can't ALL be winners

everything zen, vol. none

OF a 2-ounce bic and a 3-ounce zippo, which is the lighter?

the other half for the other half

Great advice for keeping a relationship strong: NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY. That's right, stay up ALL NIGHT fighting!

"ello peejon" - Pepe le Peu

Does anyone know the origin if the phrase "being pigeon-holed"? I've almost figured it out, but I'm not sure if it's the hole on the front or the back of the pigeon. Please help; there are feathers EVERYWHERE, and I'm running out of pigeons.

I can't believe its not butterfly

Little known fact: butterflies taste more like margarine.

fun with flatulence

Everyone knows the proper thing to say after farting is 'excuse me'. But few people realize that if you have been farted at, you may in fact rebutt "excuse me" with "i refuse to excuse!" and then slapping the farter in the face.

Also note that you may continue slapping until the smell completely dissipates.

Thats the rules, I don't make them up.
have fun with this one!

amphibbing

alternative comebacks to "see you later alligator" other than "after a while crocodile"
- don't meyander, salamander
- hasta mañana, you iguana

like so much red sweater...

...another mystery unravelled!

THE REASON THAT OSTRICHES are the fastest land mammals is that no one told them that they are flightless birds.

AS FOR WHY THEY STICK THEIR HEADS IN THE GROUND, I think the more pertinent mystery is: why don't you?

funnier than friction

you probably heard about the guy who won the masterbating contest,
since he likes to rub it in.

concatenated quote of the day

"life goes on. ...and then it ends abruptly."