rants in your pants

AFTER A MONTH of complaining about how much junk mail is left at the front door of my home, I come home to find an elaborate piece of junk from a water purifying company. They left a note and a small empty bottle, so you can leave them a water sample and they can test it and tell you how badly you need to spend your money on water purifying.

SO OBVIOUSLY I'm going to piss in the bottle. The only question left is: which neighbor to 'piss off' by leaving at their door to be picked up? (I wouldn't leave a bottle of urine hanging from MY doorknob; that would be gross.)

everything zen, vol. too

semi-known fact: before New York Fries became successful by being the first fast-food producers to sell french fries with the skin on, they failed miserably with New York Chicken (chicken with the feathers on) and New York Omlettes (eggs with the shells still on)

fast food franchises, as with blog entries, can't ALL be winners

everything zen, vol. none

OF a 2-ounce bic and a 3-ounce zippo, which is the lighter?

the other half for the other half

Great advice for keeping a relationship strong: NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY. That's right, stay up ALL NIGHT fighting!

"ello peejon" - Pepe le Peu

Does anyone know the origin if the phrase "being pigeon-holed"? I've almost figured it out, but I'm not sure if it's the hole on the front or the back of the pigeon. Please help; there are feathers EVERYWHERE, and I'm running out of pigeons.

I can't believe its not butterfly

Little known fact: butterflies taste more like margarine.

fun with flatulence

Everyone knows the proper thing to say after farting is 'excuse me'. But few people realize that if you have been farted at, you may in fact rebutt "excuse me" with "i refuse to excuse!" and then slapping the farter in the face.

Also note that you may continue slapping until the smell completely dissipates.

Thats the rules, I don't make them up.
have fun with this one!

amphibbing

alternative comebacks to "see you later alligator" other than "after a while crocodile"
- don't meyander, salamander
- hasta mañana, you iguana

like so much red sweater...

...another mystery unravelled!

THE REASON THAT OSTRICHES are the fastest land mammals is that no one told them that they are flightless birds.

AS FOR WHY THEY STICK THEIR HEADS IN THE GROUND, I think the more pertinent mystery is: why don't you?

funnier than friction

you probably heard about the guy who won the masterbating contest,
since he likes to rub it in.

concatenated quote of the day

"life goes on. ...and then it ends abruptly."

life in the fast lane

little known fact: the infamous 80's lamborghini "countach" sports car was named after the popular peeler hairstyle of the same name. (The European spelling adds an "o" and drops the silent "e")

iliad shmilliad

Little known fact: the very first book of Greek mythology ever written was called "Thyth ith the Book of Myth".

Refreshing Summer Drink Recipe

Little Known Fact: Mix Five Alive and V8 for a delicious refreshing drink I call the "Lucky 13"

He never understood what all the fuss was about

Little known fact: Rubik was colourblind.

No one knew what he meant

Little known fact: Jesus Christ often proclaimed himself to be "bigger than the Beatles".

Names Can Be Deceiving

Little known fact: "The Pickle Barrel" and "Noodle Delight" are NOT gay bars.

Classic Moments in Reggae History

Little known fact: Bob Marley was aiming for the deputy all along.

There's more than 1 way to skin a cat

Little known fact: There are only 2 ways to skin a cat. (alive or dead)

Which REALLY came first?

Little known fact: The precambrian turkey predates both the chicken AND the egg.