Ode to Cheese Trays

Ode to Cheese Trays

Oh tell me you didn't buy
Another cheese tray

Please tell me, why oh why
Another cheese tray?

I hope that you have receipts
For all the cheese trays

Because we can't serve fruits or meats
On these, they're cheese trays

Mice will be at the door
Saying 'Please serve us some more
On your wonderful cheese trays.'

Even if we had our own cheese store
We'd only need two, three or four
So 'til then, please don't bring home any more.


Just keep the one that you adore
And leave the rest at the dollar store
Or you'll see what the cheese knife is for.

Is this one just for swiss or brie?
Or for cheddar, or all 3?
No, wait -- this one's just for me...
So at least I
Don't have to buy
Another cheese tray.

Overheard Over Brunch

overheard over brunch at the Drake Hotel lounge...
patrons: (discussing Toronto music scene)
waiter: "Hi, I'm Jeff [Somethingorother]... I have an album on iTunes!"
patron: "Hi, Jeff... can you bring us some coffee?"

classic conquotination, vol. 3

Another classic from Terry the other day: "whatever rocks your boat"... which I suppose is a mix of "whatever floats your boat" and "don't rock the boat"?
Since the 2 original phrases have almost opposite meanings, I'm not sure what the new phrase is supposed to mean. Any ideas?

Brogrammer At Work

from the "Workplace Courtesy Signs" series by Giulio Quaglieri

what is a brogrammer

download PDF

Fish aint Food, vol. 1

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and there's more steak for the rest of us.

Where not to go in T.O.

Seen in a sketchy corner of town: "Schaffer's Rib Joint & Massage Parlour - Home of the Dry Rub & Tug"

Ask Dr. Sports, Vol. 33

Q: What is the NBA Draft?
A: That's when a bunch of teams you don't remember argue over a bunch of people you never heard of and then trade them for reasons you don't understand.

Popular Taglines Continued, Vol. 1

Everyone loves Marineland... (except for fish of course - to them, its just a prison)

English-Quebecois Dictionary, vol. 1

"JE ME SOUVIENS" = bad driver on board

Boys vs. Girls: Arithmetic

overheard at a restaurant...
boy: "I think I should drive tonight, you had too much to drink."
girl: "No... I should drive... you drank more than me!"
boy: "I had 1 drink."
girl: "I also had 1 drink."
boy: "My cooler was only 7% alcohol. Your wine was 14% alcohol."
girl: "No... the whole bottle is 14%. I just had 1 glass."
(pause)
boy: "I am definitely driving."

How to Open Milk

from the "Workplace Courtesy Signs" series by Giulio Quaglieri

Please Keep Fridge Door Closed

from the "Workplace Courtesy Signs" series by Giulio Quaglieri

Tim Horton's Recipes Revealed, vol. 1

little-known fact: the new Tim Horton's "smores" donut is just a double-chocolate donut that fell on the floor.

Tips for Job Hunters, vol. 12

Looking for job opportunities at Research in Motion? Just update your facebook/linkedin status to "looking for a good rim job"

Poetica, vol. 1

 

Could not write haikus

Was always too difficult

Need one more word

 

Presso vs. Aeropress vs. French Press vs. Real Espresso Machine

This is a comparative review of the Presso and Aeropress manual gourmet coffee presses. French Press and Commercial Grade (Real) Espresso Machine are added as reference points.

NOTE: this assumes you have access to properly-ground, freshly roasted, good quality coffee beans. If not, replace all results with "shitty".

	Presso	Aeropress	French Press	Commercial Grade Espresso Machine
Price (approx.)	$$$	$$	$	$$$$
Complexity of use	easy	complex	medium	medium
Americano-style coffee: flavour	great	great	great	great
Espresso-style coffee: flavour	good	not bad	(do not use)	great
Espresso-style coffee: crema	some	none	none	great
Lattes	who cares	who cares	who cares	who cares
When not in use, it...	looks cool	tucks away	looks cool	wastes space
Cleaning it is	very easy	easy	almost easy	easy
Coolness type	industrial-cool	geek-cool	euro-cool	bling-cool
Other cons	you need to preheat it	disposable paper filters required	unique taste	it will break down and/or require maintenance eventually

Osama Bin Hiding

Since they claim to have conducted DNA testing to verify the identity of the corpse they shot up, that means the US has had Osama's DNA for a while. So my question is: Why have they wasted several years searching for the 'real' Osama when they could have just cloned another one and just shot that one?

Marketing Mantras Demystified, Vol. 1

Being one step ahead of the competition is pointless when you're both running in circles.

Ingordnito

Little known facts #429: No one ever keeps the name Gordon. Examples:
Gordon Sumner: "Sting"
Gordon Sims: "Venus Flytrap"
Gordon Shumway: "Alf"
Steven Gordon: "Flash Gordon"

The Title Sells It, vol. 4

Idea for a TLC reality show about a Chinese-American couple: we follow them as he tries to convince her to be his wife... it's called "Will Yu, Mary Mi"

Hollywood Doesn't Want You to Know, vol. 12

Little known fact: TRUE GRIT is a remake of the Wizard of Oz, except the scarecrow is cogburn, the tin man is a texas ranger, and the wizard is the dude who shot dorothy's pappy. also, toto is now a pony for some reason.

Beaver Fever

Overheard at the American Music Awards...
Leslie Nielsen: "Nice Bieber"
Usher: "Thanks, I just had him stuffed"

It Came From Beneath the Seat....

"Don't worry, it will come to pass" said the driving instructor, pointing at the car with no turn signals driven by a naked woman.

Bad Advice from the English

Little Known Fact #28614:
"Keeping your chin up" just makes it easier for someone to punch you in the face.

I have the power (failure)

Just once, why can't a power failure end at 12 midnight? (i.e. so we wouldn't have to change the time on the microwave)

Death by Cola

Coca Colon: deterioration of the lining of the colon, caused by drinking too many acidic soft drinks

Ring my Bell

Quasimodo wasn't sure why he kept rolling out of bed... but he had a hunch.

T-Shirts for Transvestites, vol. 1

seen on a post-op hooker's blouse: "WARNING: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS"

The Hand of Dog: FIFA 2010 recap

Some goals that should have been were called off,
while other goals that should NOT have been were left in...

Some players faked injuries when they weren't even touched,
while other players deliberately tried to injure anyone in their way...

The first round resulted in Tie after Tie after Tie,
And USA did better than Italy...

So someone please tell me: WHY DO THEY CALL THIS THE BEAUTIFUL GAME?

The Golden Rules, revised

direct from stoned tablets...

"Do unto others before they do unto you"

"Treat others as you wish them to be treated"

"Remember Black Sabbath and keep it holy"

NEW Classic Comebacks to Worn-Out Greetings, Volume 1

inspired by "Hey!" is for horses...
"Hi!" is for kites
"Yo!" is only half the story
"Hello" is a gelatin-based dessert served by Satan

How to have fun in Toronto, vol. 1

Every time someone says 'g20', yell out 'BINGO!'

Paintball Tactics, vol. 1

When playing Paintball, it's a good idea to carry a paintbrush in your ankle holster, in case of hand-to-hand combat.

Ramble on...

So my wife is sitting there, babbling on about the same thing for hours on end...
So I interject: "Girl, you sound like a broken record!"
Then it hits me: I COLLECT broken records.

We cater to adulterers...

Printed on a receipt from Quizno's:
"HAVING AN AFFAIR? WE CATER!"
Nice.

(Advertisement)

danko bones

Top 3 Signs held up by horny women at Danko Jones concerts...
3. "Left my boyfriend in the trunk"
2. "Hey Mango Kid -- I eat Mangos for Breakfast"
3. "Danko's Spank-ho"

Great Drinking Songs, vol. 1

If you replace every occurrence of "sun" with "moon",
"You are my sunshine...." becomes a great drinking song.

Just Disgusting

"I don't know what came over me," said the blind man after the orgy.

Classic Fairy Tails De-bunked, Vol. 19

King Midas was just a dude who liked to pee on stuff.

poems of the lonely farm boy, vol. 1

The feathers plucked out
one by one...
"She loves me not,
but that was fun."

classic conquotination, vol. 2

Terry describes the best ribs she ever had: "They're so good they just fall out of your mouth."
I was confused until I decoded it as the combination of "melts in your mouth" and "falls of the bone".

Italese, vol. 9

Little known fact: "Where's Waldo?" was originally the Italian "Dové Dildo?"

Well known sayings, the ORIGINAL versions, vol. 2377

If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back to you... then, you've got them right where you want them!

Poker anyone?

Gladiator?
I'm not even glad I met her!

Coming unglued

As seen on the label of a bottle of industrial-strength glue: "suitable for outdoor use"
So that's means what? ...like, gluing a squirrel to a tree?
-contributed by Jeffrey Mo

poem of the day

world's shortest poem denouncing rice dishes as a viable meal suggestion:

Pilaf?
Don't make milaf.

2 Dudes at the bar, chapter 1

overheard at the bar...
"Dude, that waitress was ALL OVER ME!"
"Dude, she probably just wants the tip."
"Dude, I think she wants the whole penis!"

aussie logic, vol. 1

"Throw some shrimp on the barbie" - refers to BBQ shrimp

"Throw some barbies on the shrimp" - refers to a short australian guy having a threesome with 2 girls

Forza Italia

You can't spell "genitalia" without "italia"

Question of the Month for August 2009

What do you call 10,000 Nickelback CDs at the bottom of Lake Ontario?

No, but seriously: what do you call it? I'm filling out a work order.

Jokes with no Punchline, Vol. 1

So a quadriplegic walks into a bar...

You can fool some of the people some of the time

"The oldest trick in the book" still works on illiterates.

T-Shirt Slogans for Morons, vol. 2

"HONK IF YOU LOVE CAR HORNS"

Little Know Facts, Vol. 871

LITTLE KNOWN FACT # 808:

1 in 10 orgies involve at least one confused but pleasantly surprised dyslexic ogre.

Etiquette Haikus, vol. 1

If you ever come across
A woman in a white dress,
You won't have to wipe it off.

lucky o'hare

Little Known Fact #757:
Rabbits often carry a Leprechaun foot on their keychains for good luck.

T-Shirt Slogans for Morons, vol. 1

I don't understand why everything has to be so confusing.

dreamline, vol. 9

I have this recurring dream where I'm at a karaoke bar, and Borat is there performing, but he just keeps singing "Throw the Giulio down the well, so my country can be free..."
What could it mean?

optimist/pessimist vol. 12

Said the optimist to the pessimist:
"If we turn back now, we're halfway there"

fun with greetings

get a guaranteed double-take:
replace the phrase "knock yourself out" with "knock yourself up"

I am the friarstarter

Canadians should start referring to American Thanksgiving as "the Yankee Thank-ee"

little known definitions, vol. 2

niagra - erectile dysfunction pill (for long-lasting, farther urine stream)

Amphibbin' Vol. 26

Is it OK to cook an alligator in a crock pot?

tips for wedding bliss

tip #13:

Make sure to sign a pre-nup, a nup, AND a post-nup.

A.W.E. (1st installment)

Absolute Worst Ever... S&M Safety Words
1. harder
2. monsoon
3. auger
4. lower
5. serum

snappy answers to classic sayings, vol. 12

"Why beat a dead horse?"

"because I want GLUE, dammit!"

Fun with Midgets, Vol. 1

Midgets as messengers:
With every delivery, they must say "sorry for the short notice."

Lessons from the Marriage Guru, vol. 1

Young Acolyte:
"Master, what are your thoughts on marriage?"

Marriage Guru:
"My son,
If you can find a woman on this earth
who loves you
and is your equal
and makes you better
and enriches your life
and is your soul mate
Then with all the power in your heart
Take her and love her and shower her with respect and admiration forever
...but do NOT tell your wife about her."

Which came first: breakfast or lunch?

Well-known fact #1:

The reason we eat eggs for breakfast and chicken for lunch is that if you ate the chicken for breakfast, how would you get the eggs for lunch?

That's one for the boc's.

Who invented cool?

Little Known Fact #26133:

Shade was invented by trees.

Upcoming Comeuppance

Doctor G's Pre-Wedding Advice for Doomed Grooms


1) where there's hope, elope

2) prenup? giddy-up!

3) keep your vows quantifiable & measurable

optimism, vol. 111: fun with fractions

If you can *ALMOST* convince ONE GIRL to have sex with you,
you're already HALFWAY to a THREEWAY!

(props to Jimmy O'Rourke, of course.)

Ratlantic Tails

Little Known Fact #9192:
There is no public trash collection in the Canadian Maritime provinces!
Instead of dragging their trash to the curb, they let in pile up in their garage.
Then, when their garage is full, they just put up a sign that says "Antiques".

sludge factory

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS #429:
McDonalds was forced to change the name of their Shamrock Shake because it contained no real Shamrocks. To solve the problem, they purchased Mike Myers, created a series of movies named after the sound made by the shake dispenser, then non-chalantly introduced the renamed "Swampwater Sludge McFlurry" beverage in time to promote the third movie instalment. When asked by reporters: "What if they ask you to rename it again because it's not really swampwater sludge?", Ronald winked and replied "trust me, not a problem."

Gedi Mind Tricks vol. 1

ok, think of something.
NOW I WILL READ YOUR MIND!...
you're thinking...

"There's NO WAY he knows what I'm thinking"

EXCELSIOR!

why scottish people don't like motorcycles

Doctor's Almanac - Vol. 24

bagpipes: a condition caused by riding a motorcycle while wearing a kilt

didn't you know? vol. 1

DIDN'T YOU KNOW they don't make black jelly beans?
Now you're thinking: "But I've SEEN black jelly beans. I've EATEN black jelly beans."
Don't think about it too much.

RETURN of 'Little Known Facts'

LITTLE KNOWN FACT # 469:

Deaf lip-readers have trouble dicerning between "meteorologist" and "meaty urologist".

America hopes you don't notice, Vol. 3

America hopes you don't notice...
Uncle Sam IS NOT Colonel Sanders!

America hopes you don't notice, Vol. 2

America hopes you don't notice...
Of all the countries in the world, they've had the MOST TIME to perfect the automobile, yet they still produce the WORST QUALITY automobiles you can buy.

America hopes you don't notice, Vol. 1

America hopes you don't notice...
Baseball is boring!

more nickelbashing!

me: how can you listen to this crap?
moron: but it's catchy!
me: so is herpes, that doesn't mean i want it in my ears.

little known definitions, vol. 1

"oregano" - the ancient italian art of paper folding

CONTEST: the funniest porn name ever

PLACE YOUR VOTE for the Funniest Porn Name Ever:
a) Vinnie Garduche
b) Willy Warner

trick or thrift

MONEY-SAVING HALLOWEEN TIP: instead of giving out candy, put a sign on your door that says "GREAT CANDY NEXT DOOR"

You're welcome!

eviller of 2 evils

QUESTION: Which band sucks more: Nickelback or Theory of a dead man? I've racked my brains over this one... it's tricky, because they're BOTH so terrible. Sometimes I think Theory is worse, but then I remember that Nickelback opened the door for ALL the shitty bands like Theory... chicken & the egg, man.

Anyone know the answer to this one?

patience: not worth waiting for?

"good things come to those who wait"
"good things come in small packages"

so... small packages come to those who wait?
guess you girls better hurry if you want a guy with a large package!

living at home...

FOR THE LAST TIME... can everyone stop asking other people if they "live at home"? EVERYONE LIVES AT HOME! In fact, that's the DEFINITION of home: it's WHERE YOU LIVE! And don't try asking them if they "live with their parents" instead, because we all know, THAT AINT LIVING AT ALL!

rants in your pants

AFTER A MONTH of complaining about how much junk mail is left at the front door of my home, I come home to find an elaborate piece of junk from a water purifying company. They left a note and a small empty bottle, so you can leave them a water sample and they can test it and tell you how badly you need to spend your money on water purifying.

SO OBVIOUSLY I'm going to piss in the bottle. The only question left is: which neighbor to 'piss off' by leaving at their door to be picked up? (I wouldn't leave a bottle of urine hanging from MY doorknob; that would be gross.)

everything zen, vol. too

semi-known fact: before New York Fries became successful by being the first fast-food producers to sell french fries with the skin on, they failed miserably with New York Chicken (chicken with the feathers on) and New York Omlettes (eggs with the shells still on)

fast food franchises, as with blog entries, can't ALL be winners

everything zen, vol. none

OF a 2-ounce bic and a 3-ounce zippo, which is the lighter?

the other half for the other half

Great advice for keeping a relationship strong: NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY. That's right, stay up ALL NIGHT fighting!

"ello peejon" - Pepe le Peu

Does anyone know the origin if the phrase "being pigeon-holed"? I've almost figured it out, but I'm not sure if it's the hole on the front or the back of the pigeon. Please help; there are feathers EVERYWHERE, and I'm running out of pigeons.

I can't believe its not butterfly

Little known fact: butterflies taste more like margarine.

fun with flatulence

Everyone knows the proper thing to say after farting is 'excuse me'. But few people realize that if you have been farted at, you may in fact rebutt "excuse me" with "i refuse to excuse!" and then slapping the farter in the face.

Also note that you may continue slapping until the smell completely dissipates.

Thats the rules, I don't make them up.
have fun with this one!

amphibbing

alternative comebacks to "see you later alligator" other than "after a while crocodile"
- don't meyander, salamander
- hasta mañana, you iguana

like so much red sweater...

...another mystery unravelled!

THE REASON THAT OSTRICHES are the fastest land mammals is that no one told them that they are flightless birds.

AS FOR WHY THEY STICK THEIR HEADS IN THE GROUND, I think the more pertinent mystery is: why don't you?

funnier than friction

you probably heard about the guy who won the masterbating contest,
since he likes to rub it in.

concatenated quote of the day

"life goes on. ...and then it ends abruptly."