optimism, vol. 111: fun with fractions

If you can *ALMOST* convince ONE GIRL to have sex with you,
you're already HALFWAY to a THREEWAY!

(props to Jimmy O'Rourke, of course.)

Ratlantic Tails

Little Known Fact #9192:
There is no public trash collection in the Canadian Maritime provinces!
Instead of dragging their trash to the curb, they let in pile up in their garage.
Then, when their garage is full, they just put up a sign that says "Antiques".

sludge factory

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS #429:
McDonalds was forced to change the name of their Shamrock Shake because it contained no real Shamrocks. To solve the problem, they purchased Mike Myers, created a series of movies named after the sound made by the shake dispenser, then non-chalantly introduced the renamed "Swampwater Sludge McFlurry" beverage in time to promote the third movie instalment. When asked by reporters: "What if they ask you to rename it again because it's not really swampwater sludge?", Ronald winked and replied "trust me, not a problem."

Gedi Mind Tricks vol. 1

ok, think of something.
NOW I WILL READ YOUR MIND!...
you're thinking...

"There's NO WAY he knows what I'm thinking"

EXCELSIOR!

why scottish people don't like motorcycles

Doctor's Almanac - Vol. 24

bagpipes: a condition caused by riding a motorcycle while wearing a kilt

didn't you know? vol. 1

DIDN'T YOU KNOW they don't make black jelly beans?
Now you're thinking: "But I've SEEN black jelly beans. I've EATEN black jelly beans."
Don't think about it too much.

RETURN of 'Little Known Facts'

LITTLE KNOWN FACT # 469:

Deaf lip-readers have trouble dicerning between "meteorologist" and "meaty urologist".

America hopes you don't notice, Vol. 3

America hopes you don't notice...
Uncle Sam IS NOT Colonel Sanders!

America hopes you don't notice, Vol. 2

America hopes you don't notice...
Of all the countries in the world, they've had the MOST TIME to perfect the automobile, yet they still produce the WORST QUALITY automobiles you can buy.

America hopes you don't notice, Vol. 1

America hopes you don't notice...
Baseball is boring!

more nickelbashing!

me: how can you listen to this crap?
moron: but it's catchy!
me: so is herpes, that doesn't mean i want it in my ears.

little known definitions, vol. 1

"oregano" - the ancient italian art of paper folding

CONTEST: the funniest porn name ever

PLACE YOUR VOTE for the Funniest Porn Name Ever:
a) Vinnie Garduche
b) Willy Warner

trick or thrift

MONEY-SAVING HALLOWEEN TIP: instead of giving out candy, put a sign on your door that says "GREAT CANDY NEXT DOOR"

You're welcome!

eviller of 2 evils

QUESTION: Which band sucks more: Nickelback or Theory of a dead man? I've racked my brains over this one... it's tricky, because they're BOTH so terrible. Sometimes I think Theory is worse, but then I remember that Nickelback opened the door for ALL the shitty bands like Theory... chicken & the egg, man.

Anyone know the answer to this one?

patience: not worth waiting for?

"good things come to those who wait"
"good things come in small packages"

so... small packages come to those who wait?
guess you girls better hurry if you want a guy with a large package!

living at home...

FOR THE LAST TIME... can everyone stop asking other people if they "live at home"? EVERYONE LIVES AT HOME! In fact, that's the DEFINITION of home: it's WHERE YOU LIVE! And don't try asking them if they "live with their parents" instead, because we all know, THAT AINT LIVING AT ALL!

rants in your pants

AFTER A MONTH of complaining about how much junk mail is left at the front door of my home, I come home to find an elaborate piece of junk from a water purifying company. They left a note and a small empty bottle, so you can leave them a water sample and they can test it and tell you how badly you need to spend your money on water purifying.

SO OBVIOUSLY I'm going to piss in the bottle. The only question left is: which neighbor to 'piss off' by leaving at their door to be picked up? (I wouldn't leave a bottle of urine hanging from MY doorknob; that would be gross.)

everything zen, vol. too

semi-known fact: before New York Fries became successful by being the first fast-food producers to sell french fries with the skin on, they failed miserably with New York Chicken (chicken with the feathers on) and New York Omlettes (eggs with the shells still on)

fast food franchises, as with blog entries, can't ALL be winners

everything zen, vol. none

OF a 2-ounce bic and a 3-ounce zippo, which is the lighter?