Little Know Facts, Vol. 871

LITTLE KNOWN FACT # 808:

1 in 10 orgies involve at least one confused but pleasantly surprised dyslexic ogre.

Etiquette Haikus, vol. 1

If you ever come across
A woman in a white dress,
You won't have to wipe it off.

lucky o'hare

Little Known Fact #757:
Rabbits often carry a Leprechaun foot on their keychains for good luck.

T-Shirt Slogans for Morons, vol. 1

I don't understand why everything has to be so confusing.

dreamline, vol. 9

I have this recurring dream where I'm at a karaoke bar, and Borat is there performing, but he just keeps singing "Throw the Giulio down the well, so my country can be free..."
What could it mean?

optimist/pessimist vol. 12

Said the optimist to the pessimist:
"If we turn back now, we're halfway there"

fun with greetings

get a guaranteed double-take:
replace the phrase "knock yourself out" with "knock yourself up"

I am the friarstarter

Canadians should start referring to American Thanksgiving as "the Yankee Thank-ee"

little known definitions, vol. 2

niagra - erectile dysfunction pill (for long-lasting, farther urine stream)

Amphibbin' Vol. 26

Is it OK to cook an alligator in a crock pot?

tips for wedding bliss

tip #13:

Make sure to sign a pre-nup, a nup, AND a post-nup.

A.W.E. (1st installment)

Absolute Worst Ever... S&M Safety Words
1. harder
2. monsoon
3. auger
4. lower
5. serum

snappy answers to classic sayings, vol. 12

"Why beat a dead horse?"

"because I want GLUE, dammit!"

Fun with Midgets, Vol. 1

Midgets as messengers:
With every delivery, they must say "sorry for the short notice."

Lessons from the Marriage Guru, vol. 1

Young Acolyte:
"Master, what are your thoughts on marriage?"

Marriage Guru:
"My son,
If you can find a woman on this earth
who loves you
and is your equal
and makes you better
and enriches your life
and is your soul mate
Then with all the power in your heart
Take her and love her and shower her with respect and admiration forever
...but do NOT tell your wife about her."

Which came first: breakfast or lunch?

Well-known fact #1:

The reason we eat eggs for breakfast and chicken for lunch is that if you ate the chicken for breakfast, how would you get the eggs for lunch?

That's one for the boc's.

Who invented cool?

Little Known Fact #26133:

Shade was invented by trees.

Upcoming Comeuppance

Doctor G's Pre-Wedding Advice for Doomed Grooms


1) where there's hope, elope

2) prenup? giddy-up!

3) keep your vows quantifiable & measurable

optimism, vol. 111: fun with fractions

If you can *ALMOST* convince ONE GIRL to have sex with you,
you're already HALFWAY to a THREEWAY!

(props to Jimmy O'Rourke, of course.)

Ratlantic Tails

Little Known Fact #9192:
There is no public trash collection in the Canadian Maritime provinces!
Instead of dragging their trash to the curb, they let in pile up in their garage.
Then, when their garage is full, they just put up a sign that says "Antiques".

sludge factory

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS #429:
McDonalds was forced to change the name of their Shamrock Shake because it contained no real Shamrocks. To solve the problem, they purchased Mike Myers, created a series of movies named after the sound made by the shake dispenser, then non-chalantly introduced the renamed "Swampwater Sludge McFlurry" beverage in time to promote the third movie instalment. When asked by reporters: "What if they ask you to rename it again because it's not really swampwater sludge?", Ronald winked and replied "trust me, not a problem."

The Downside of Having A Big Nose, vol, 1

It's hard to shave in the dark.

Gedi Mind Tricks vol. 1

ok, think of something.
NOW I WILL READ YOUR MIND!...
you're thinking...

"There's NO WAY he knows what I'm thinking"

EXCELSIOR!

why scottish people don't like motorcycles

Doctor's Almanac - Vol. 24

bagpipes: a condition caused by riding a motorcycle while wearing a kilt

didn't you know? vol. 1

DIDN'T YOU KNOW they don't make black jelly beans?
Now you're thinking: "But I've SEEN black jelly beans. I've EATEN black jelly beans."
Don't think about it too much.

RETURN of 'Little Known Facts'

LITTLE KNOWN FACT # 469:

Deaf lip-readers have trouble dicerning between "meteorologist" and "meaty urologist".

America hopes you don't notice, Vol. 3

America hopes you don't notice...
Uncle Sam IS NOT Colonel Sanders!

America hopes you don't notice, Vol. 2

America hopes you don't notice...
Of all the countries in the world, they've had the MOST TIME to perfect the automobile, yet they still produce the WORST QUALITY automobiles you can buy.

America hopes you don't notice, Vol. 1

America hopes you don't notice...
Baseball is boring!

more nickelbashing!

me: how can you listen to this crap?
moron: but it's catchy!
me: so is herpes, that doesn't mean i want it in my ears.

little known definitions, vol. 1

"oregano" - the ancient italian art of paper folding

CONTEST: the funniest porn name ever

PLACE YOUR VOTE for the Funniest Porn Name Ever:
a) Vinnie Garduche
b) Willy Warner

trick or thrift

MONEY-SAVING HALLOWEEN TIP: instead of giving out candy, put a sign on your door that says "GREAT CANDY NEXT DOOR"

You're welcome!

eviller of 2 evils

QUESTION: Which band sucks more: Nickelback or Theory of a dead man? I've racked my brains over this one... it's tricky, because they're BOTH so terrible. Sometimes I think Theory is worse, but then I remember that Nickelback opened the door for ALL the shitty bands like Theory... chicken & the egg, man.

Anyone know the answer to this one?

patience: not worth waiting for?

"good things come to those who wait"
"good things come in small packages"

so... small packages come to those who wait?
guess you girls better hurry if you want a guy with a large package!

living at home...

FOR THE LAST TIME... can everyone stop asking other people if they "live at home"? EVERYONE LIVES AT HOME! In fact, that's the DEFINITION of home: it's WHERE YOU LIVE! And don't try asking them if they "live with their parents" instead, because we all know, THAT AINT LIVING AT ALL!

rants in your pants

AFTER A MONTH of complaining about how much junk mail is left at the front door of my home, I come home to find an elaborate piece of junk from a water purifying company. They left a note and a small empty bottle, so you can leave them a water sample and they can test it and tell you how badly you need to spend your money on water purifying.

SO OBVIOUSLY I'm going to piss in the bottle. The only question left is: which neighbor to 'piss off' by leaving at their door to be picked up? (I wouldn't leave a bottle of urine hanging from MY doorknob; that would be gross.)

everything zen, vol. too

semi-known fact: before New York Fries became successful by being the first fast-food producers to sell french fries with the skin on, they failed miserably with New York Chicken (chicken with the feathers on) and New York Omlettes (eggs with the shells still on)

fast food franchises, as with blog entries, can't ALL be winners

everything zen, vol. none

OF a 2-ounce zippo and a 3-ounce zippo, which is the lighter?

the other half for the other half

Great advice for keeping a relationship strong: NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY. That's right, stay up ALL NIGHT fighting!

"ello peejon" - Pepe le Peu

Does anyone know the origin if the phrase "being pigeon-holed"? I've almost figured it out, but I'm not sure if it's the hole on the front or the back of the pigeon. Please help; there are feathers EVERYWHERE, and I'm running out of pigeons.

I can't believe its not butterfly

Little known fact: butterflies taste more like margarine.

fun with flatulence

Everyone knows the proper thing to say after farting is 'excuse me'. But few people realize that if you have been farted at, you may in fact rebutt "excuse me" with "i refuse to excuse!" and then slapping the farter in the face.

Also note that you may continue slapping until the smell completely dissipates.

Thats the rules, I don't make them up.
have fun with this one!

amphibbing

little known fact regarding the origin of the term amphitheatre: they were originally theatres for amphibians. (As we are reminded in Geiko commercials, lizards are not always shy.)

BONUS: alternative comebacks to "see you later alligator" other than "after a while crocodile"
- don't meyander, salamander
- hasta manana, you iguana

like so much red sweater...

...another mystery unravelled!

THE REASON THAT OSTRICHES are the fastest land mammals is that no one told them that they are flightless birds.

AS FOR WHY THEY STICK THEIR HEADS IN THE GROUND, I think the more pertinent mystery is: why don't you?

funnier than fiction

did you hear about the guy who won the masterbating contest?
he likes to rub it in.

concatenated quote of the day

"life goes on. ...and then it ends abruptly."

life in the fast lane

little known fact: the infamous 80's lamborghini "countach" sports car was named after the popular peeler hairstyle of the same name. (The European spelling adds an "o" and drops the silent "e")

iliad shmilliad

Little known fact: the very first book of Greek mythology ever written was called "Thyth ith the Book of Myth".

Refreshing Summer Drink Recipe

Little Known Fact: Mix Five Alive and V8 for a delicious refreshing drink I call the "Lucky 13"

He never understood what all the fuss was about

Little known fact: Rubik was colourblind.

No one knew what he meant

Little known fact: Jesus Christ often proclaimed himself to be "bigger than the Beatles".

Names Can Be Deceiving

Little known fact: "The Pickle Barrel" and "Noodle Delight" are NOT gay bars.

Classic Moments in Reggae History

Little known fact: Bob Marley was aiming for the deputy all along.

There's more than 1 way to skin a cat

Little known fact: There are only 2 ways to skin a cat. (alive or dead)

Which REALLY came first?

Little known fact: The precambrian turkey predates both the chicken AND the egg.

Skydome

Little known fact: The Toronto SkyDome was originally designed as a giant bin to catch the pennies thrown from the CN Tower.

Welcome

Little known fact: any idiot can create a blog.