Monday, December 03, 2012

Scam of the Day: Traveler's Meds

Anti-diarrhea meds always say "take with food"... but the food is what caused the diarrhea... so then they've got you in an infinite loop of drug dependency.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

True Stories: Apple Customer Service, November 2012

For those who might try to deal with Apple for hardware repairs on an ailing iMac, here is a handy translation chart for understanding what they mean as opposed to what they say.

Note: this is a true story from my recent experience at the Apple Store (Fairview Mall, Toronto).

What they say...What they mean...
"Based on the symptoms you described, its obvious that you need a new video card."
- genius bar
Let's spend 2 weeks trying to see if we can fix it by replacing the logic board and hard drive instead - because its more expensive and more likely to cause you to buy a new computer.
"We will diagnose within 24-48 hours."
- genius bar
We will diagnose in 2-4 weeks.
"We are working on your computer right now."
- phone support
We are not working on your computer today.
"Your repair is ready for pickup."
- website
Your repair is not ready for pickup, and won't be for at least another week.
"I have triple-confirmed that your repair is ready for pickup."
- phone support
Your repair is still not ready for pickup.
"We need to talk to you about your repair."
- phone support
We wanted you to waste another trip to the Apple Store for no reason other than to tell you that we still don't know how to fix your computer and are still trying.
"We cannot connect you to a Technician over the phone."
- phone support
We can connect you to a technician over the phone, but I personally don't know how the phones work so I'll just say we don't do that, even though you just did that on your previous call to us.
"We will call you when the repair is done."
- manager
We won't call you when the repair is done, but we will call you occasionally to reconfirm the fact that your repair is not done and we have no new information.
"Your repair case is closed."
- website
We have closed your original repair case because we did part of the repair... but we opened a new repair case with a new reference number for the rest of the repair, and we're not going to tell you that or give you the new repair number... this way, when you contact us again, you are guaranteed to get conflicting information for maximum frustration.
"I will transfer you to the manager."
- phone support
I will put you on hold, and while you're on hold,  several non-managers will occasionally pick up the call and ask you to reconfirm who you are, why you are calling, ask your postal code for some reason, and rehash all the details of your situation to this point.
"I value your feedback."
- manager
I will smile and listen to your complaints without offering any suggestions or consolations... all the while simultaneously helping other customers complete purchases of miscellaneous wireless devices, cables and accessories.
"We apologize for the inconvenience."
- manager, phone support, genius bar
We have no interest in talking you out of never buying another Apple product. This is your fault for still buying Apple computers now that Apple is no longer a computer company.
"Your repair is being worked on as we speak - it will definitely be done today... or at the very latest tomorrow morning."
- manager
We don't even have the parts in stock, so no one is going to touch your computer until next week.
"We need your approval before we can replace the Bluetooth card."
- store clerk
You already gave us approval to replace the Bluetooth card, even though the Bluetooth card was unrelated to the original repair, and was working fine when you brought the machine in... and by the way we already replaced it - I'm only asking you for approval again because I don't know how to read our paperwork.
"You don't need a Genius Bar appointment to come in and talk to us about your repair."
- phone support
You do need a Genius Bar appointment to come in and talk about your repair, because the Geniuses are all busy doing important Geniusy things like showing people how to download apps on their iPhone.
"We can fix your iMac."
- genius bar
We have no idea how to diagnose or repair iMacs... But, if you can live without your computer for a month, and don't mind spending hours each day during that month to deal with miscellaneous unnecessary bullshit, and you enjoy making pointless trips to the Apple store to rehash the phone bullshit just for fun, then we will eventually fix it quite easily by just replacing the obviously faulty piece of hardware that caused the problem.

Baby Mama Blues

Could have been overheard on 'White Trash Baby Mama Disputes Week' on Jerry Springer as two trailer park boys in wife-beater tops tug-of-war over their pregnant girlfriend:

Monday, November 19, 2012

Scam of the Day, vol. 1

I just heard a radio commercial for Mr. Transmission that claimed "nearly half of the transmissions we see can be repaired!" Wow, what a misleading way to spin "most people who walk in here get talked into buying a brand new transmission."

Thursday, November 15, 2012

NHL lockout 2012

NHL Lockout Negotiations = Millionaires arguing over who gets to be Billionaires

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Job Interview Tip #287

This is the absolute best answer ever to a classic interview question.

question: "What are your weaknesses?"
answer: "My only weakness is that I don't interview well."

It's easy to prove... and the worse your interview goes, the more credible you become.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Joe Camel Rides (Up) Again

"Camel Sack" - a storage bag slung over a camel, or the male equivalent of "camel toe"

Saturday, October 06, 2012


little known fact #4609: the original working title for the "Helvetica" documentary was "I Shot The Serif"

Friday, September 21, 2012

new iPhone again

iPhone 5: first look

This is the wristband they were giving out to all the people who lined up overnight at the Apple store to get the first iPhone 5. Collector's item?

Friday, September 14, 2012

punnuendos #874

"I'd tap that," whispered Morse to his colleagues, upon noticing an attractive female telegraph operator.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Food Revelations, vol. 36

today's food revelation: hey... "raisins" are just Grape Jerky!


Grapes are just great,
Wine is just fine,
Jam is amazin'
But there's no excuse for a raisin!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

How to Get a Free Dog

I have no idea why anyone would want a dog. That said, here's how you can get one, for free.

How to get a Free Dog, in 3 easy steps

1. Put up posters in your neighborhood:
IF FOUND, PLEASE CALL (your phone number)

2. In a few days you will get a call from someone who will describe a dog they found. If it sounds good, say "That's him alright!" If not, say, "Nope, keep looking!"

3. When you've found the dog you like and had it delivered, the finder might ask about the "Cash Reward." If so, just say "That was also lost. Wasn't it with the dog?"

Thursday, July 05, 2012

Ode to a '98 Civic

to the tune of American Pie by Don McLean...

Bye, Bye, Ninety-Eight Civic Guy
Drove in panic to mechanic 'cuz the oilpan's dry
Them good old boys topped it up as I cried
Sayin 'This'll be the day your car dies,
this'll be the day your car dies...'

Friday, June 29, 2012

Curse of Manhood #475: The Cruel Irony of Shaving

Every time a man shaves his beard to appear younger, he reveals an increasingly older face underneath.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Food 2.0

Alternate name for Shepherd's Pie: Little Bo Beef

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Hire Me, Hersheys

I suppose someone already thought of this, but: great idea for a new valentine's candy: a Hershey's Kiss with a liquid chocolate centre.The name: obviously the "Hershey's Wet Kiss"

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Midas Crema

I just received an email saying I'm now a Starbucks 'gold member'. Is that anything like an Austin Powers Gold Member? Either way, I will now order only 'golden lattes' and insist they are sprinkled with gold flakes. (right... then the barista takes my cup under the counter and mutters 'I got yer golden latte right here pal')

Thursday, February 16, 2012

What's the difference between an Artist and a Designer?

As someone who has been both, I am often asked 'What's the difference between an Artist and a Designer?' After all, the finished work of either could often be identical to the other - so is the distinction found only in the method?

One simple definition could be to say that designers give what people want or need, whereas artists give people what they didn't know they wanted or needed.

Considering that, as well as all the subtle differences (i.e. Designers get paid, Artists get chicks; Designers have fake bed-head, Artists have real bed-head), I think I have distilled the most concise answer:

Artists end sentences with periods; Designers end sentences with question marks.

"This is what you wanted." versus "This is what you wanted?"

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Tuning in Tokyo

Little known fact #9762: Etch-A-Sketch was invented by a guy who really liked titties.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Ode to Cheese Trays

Ode to Cheese Trays

Oh tell me you didn't buy
Another cheese tray

Please tell me, why oh why
Another cheese tray?

I hope that you have receipts
For all the cheese trays

Because we can't serve fruits or meats
On these, they're cheese trays

Mice will be at the door
Saying 'Please serve us some more
On your wonderful cheese trays.'

Even if we had our own cheese store
We'd only need two, three or four
So 'til then, please don't bring home any more.

Just keep the one that you adore
And leave the rest at the dollar store
Or you'll see what the cheese knife is for.

Is this one just for swiss or brie?
Or for cheddar, or all 3?
No, wait -- this one's just for me...
So at least I
Don't have to buy
Another cheese tray.