Tuesday, February 12, 2013


Vote for me to be your next Pope!

My papal platform: If I am selected to be Pope, here's my to-do list:

1. Replace the word 'pimp' with the word 'pope' everywhere it appears
(i.e. Pope my ride, Poping aint easy, etc.)

2. Popes, while still not allowed to marry, WILL be allowed to have mistresses.
(Hot babes, not just nuns.)

3. Add a "Pope" button next to the "Poke" button on Facebook.

4. Nickelback will be declared a cardinal sin.

5. Choice of red, white or fortified wine at church. Also, eucharist wafers will be Twix.

6. Use googledocs.
(i.e. ten commandments will move from stone tablet to googledoc format for easy collaboration & revision tracking)
(i.e. instead of going to church, just have google hangouts)

7. Popemobile will be a Ferrari.

8. Gayness in the literal sense (i.e. same sex marriage) will be allowed in my church.
Gayness in the pejorative sense (i.e. "Clash of the Titans was so gay") will also be allowed in my church.

9. Vatican will be on a yacht.

10. Rosary will be shortened to 3 beads maximum.
(i.e. earring instead of necklace)

11. Marriage contracts will have fixed lengths.
(i.e. 1-year, 5-year, 10-year or pay-as-you-go marriage contract options)

12. No more altarboys.

13. Official Papal entrance music: "Jesus is just alright with me" by Doobie Brothers

14. Have the Bible translated into English (and moved to googledocs, see #6)

15. No more Star Wars movies (and I'll wipe out everything after the first 3.)

16. Confession will no longer be a required sacrament -- sins will now include built-in "implied confession". Plus, will also offer optional "pre-confession session" for those who want to save time by repenting BEFORE committing their sins.

17.  I will appoint Barack Obama as Prime Minister of Canada (Terry's idea but I like it)

This list will be updated, feel free to comment with suggestions.

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