Food Revelations, vol. 36

today's food revelation: hey... "raisins" are just Grape Jerky!

remember:

Grapes are just great,
Wine is just fine,
Jam is amazin'
But there's no excuse for a raisin!

How to Get a Free Dog

I have no idea why anyone would want a dog. That said, here's how you can get one, for free.

How to get a Free Dog, in 3 easy steps

1. Put up posters in your neighborhood:
LOST DOG
CASH REWARD
IF FOUND, PLEASE CALL (your phone number)

2. In a few days you will get a call from someone who will describe a dog they found. If it sounds good, say "That's him alright!" If not, say, "Nope, keep looking!"

3. When you've found the dog you like and had it delivered, the finder might ask about the "Cash Reward." If so, just say "That was also lost. Wasn't it with the dog?"

Ode to a '98 Civic

to the tune of American Pie by Don McLean...

Bye, Bye, Ninety-Eight Civic Guy
Drove in panic to mechanic 'cuz the oilpan's dry
Them good old boys topped it up as I cried
Sayin 'This'll be the day your car dies,
this'll be the day your car dies...'

Curse of Manhood #475: The Cruel Irony of Shaving

Every time a man shaves his beard to appear younger, he reveals an increasingly older face underneath.

Food 2.0

Alternate name for Shepherd's Pie: Little Bo Beef

Hire Me, Hersheys

I suppose someone already thought of this, but: great idea for a new valentine's candy: a Hershey's Kiss with a liquid chocolate centre.The name: obviously the "Hershey's Wet Kiss"

The Midas Crema

I just received an email saying I'm now a Starbucks 'gold member'. Is that anything like an Austin Powers Gold Member? Either way, I will now order only 'golden lattes' and insist they are sprinkled with gold flakes. (right... then the barista takes my cup under the counter and mutters 'I got yer golden latte right here pal')

What's the difference between an Artist and a Designer?

As someone who has been both, I am often asked 'What's the difference between an Artist and a Designer?' After all, the finished work of either could often be identical to the other - so is the distinction found only in the method?

One simple definition could be to say that designers give what people want or need, whereas artists give people what they didn't know they wanted or needed.

Considering that, as well as all the subtle differences (i.e. Designers get paid, Artists get chicks; Designers have fake bed-head, Artists have real bed-head), I think I have distilled the most concise answer:

Artists end sentences with periods; Designers end sentences with question marks.

example:
"This is what you wanted." versus "This is what you wanted?"

Tuning in Tokyo

Little known fact #9762: Etch-A-Sketch was invented by a guy who really liked titties.

Ode to Cheese Trays

Ode to Cheese Trays

Oh tell me you didn't buy
Another cheese tray

Please tell me, why oh why
Another cheese tray?

I hope that you have receipts
For all the cheese trays

Because we can't serve fruits or meats
On these, they're cheese trays

Mice will be at the door
Saying 'Please serve us some more
On your wonderful cheese trays.'

Even if we had our own cheese store
We'd only need two, three or four
So 'til then, please don't bring home any more.


Just keep the one that you adore
And leave the rest at the dollar store
Or you'll see what the cheese knife is for.

Is this one just for swiss or brie?
Or for cheddar, or all 3?
No, wait -- this one's just for me...
So at least I
Don't have to buy
Another cheese tray.

Overheard Over Brunch

overheard over brunch at the Drake Hotel lounge...
patrons: (discussing Toronto music scene)
waiter: "Hi, I'm Jeff [Somethingorother]... I have an album on iTunes!"
patron: "Hi, Jeff... can you bring us some coffee?"

classic conquotination, vol. 3

Another classic from Terry the other day: "whatever rocks your boat"... which I suppose is a mix of "whatever floats your boat" and "don't rock the boat"?
Since the 2 original phrases have almost opposite meanings, I'm not sure what the new phrase is supposed to mean. Any ideas?

Brogrammer At Work

from the "Workplace Courtesy Signs" series by Giulio Quaglieri

what is a brogrammer

download PDF

Fish aint Food, vol. 1

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and there's more steak for the rest of us.

Where not to go in T.O.

Seen in a sketchy corner of town: "Schaffer's Rib Joint & Massage Parlour - Home of the Dry Rub & Tug"

Ask Dr. Sports, Vol. 33

Q: What is the NBA Draft?
A: That's when a bunch of teams you don't remember argue over a bunch of people you never heard of and then trade them for reasons you don't understand.

Popular Taglines Continued, Vol. 1

Everyone loves Marineland... (except for fish of course - to them, its just a prison)

English-Quebecois Dictionary, vol. 1

"JE ME SOUVIENS" = bad driver on board

Boys vs. Girls: Arithmetic

overheard at a restaurant...
boy: "I think I should drive tonight, you had too much to drink."
girl: "No... I should drive... you drank more than me!"
boy: "I had 1 drink."
girl: "I also had 1 drink."
boy: "My cooler was only 7% alcohol. Your wine was 14% alcohol."
girl: "No... the whole bottle is 14%. I just had 1 glass."
(pause)
boy: "I am definitely driving."

How to Open Milk

from the "Workplace Courtesy Signs" series by Giulio Quaglieri