How To Use The Alarm Panel

"How do you set the alarm?" 
"How do you deactivate the alarm?"

Everyone at the office keeps asking me how to use the office's Alarm system panel.
Specifically: when to use the Home, Off and Away buttons.
So, here are the alarm buttons explained once and for all.

"HOME" BUTTON
Hit the home button when you are going home.
example: on your way out of the office

"OFF" BUTTON
Hit the off button if you want to set off the alarm.
example: if you are a burglar

"AWAY" BUTTON
Hit the away button if you are looking for a way to activate or deactivate the alarm.
example: if you are still confused about Home and Off buttons

Hope this helps!

ASUS customer support (spoiler alert: it sucks!)

 

True Stories: ASUS Customer Service, July 2013

Continuing the series started with my Apple Store experience, here's what I learned while trying to return a defective motherboard to ASUS.

What they say...	What they mean...
"Please sign up for our Advance Replacement program!" (advertisement playing while on hold for 30 minutes with tech support) *AR program means they give you a new one upfront while they fix the old one	I can put your Advance Replacement request on file, but it never works so if no one calls you back in a week you should call us again and start over.
"The serial number is on the motherboard." (phone support)	Although we manufactured it, we have no idea where the serial number actually is, even if you tell us what model you have. So I can list a bunch of places it *might* be, while you disassemble your computer and use a magnifying glass to read what may or may not be there.... unless you're smart enough to realize that just googling the model # and 'where is serial number' will show you instantly.
"Sure, you can pick up the motherboard instead of having it shipped to you." (phone support)	I'm going to make a note of that in the file, but I don't expect anyone to read it.
"Yes, your repaired motherboard is ready and waiting for you to pick it up." (online chat support)	Although you requested for pick-up instead of shipping... and were skeptical enough to even double-check with us upon repair completion so as not to waste another trip here... we are still going to tell you its ready for pickup even though it has already been shipped to the only address we had on file, which is your home address where you won't be when it's delivered -- that way, instead of just picking it up today, you can waste a trip here to be frustrated in person, plus wait another week while the motherboard travels to Quebec and back, and then go chase it down from Purolator after they can't leave it at your house when no one is home during the day.

One Face, Many Names

(JUST ADDED SOME NEW ONES)

ah, the many spellings of "Giulio" one discovers at Starbucks....

Senior's Day

Yesterday at Shopper's Drug Mart....

I'm paying at the cashier, another guy is paying at the cashier to my left...

The other guy is a 70-something with an obvious and ill-fitting jet-black hairpiece...

I'm a scruffy 30-something with tons of white hair...

...and HE gets the Senior's Discount.

What's wrong with this picture?

Not Even Close

Walking Dead Season 4 Predictions

After watching the Walking Dead Season 3 Finale, here are my official predictions for Season 4:

1. Carl, now a rebellious teen, will run away and start an all-zombie punk band called The Rocking Dead

2. Rick and Michonne will get it onne

3. Guvnor will be back next season, TWICE as evil as before (i.e. 2 eyepatches)

GIULIO FOR POPE 2013

Vote for me to be your next Pope!

My papal platform: If I am selected to be Pope, here's my to-do list:


1. Replace the word 'pimp' with the word 'pope' everywhere it appears
(i.e. Pope my ride, Poping aint easy, etc.)

2. Popes, while still not allowed to marry, WILL be allowed to have mistresses.
(Hot babes, not just nuns.)

3. Add a "Pope" button next to the "Poke" button on Facebook.

4. Nickelback will be declared a cardinal sin.

5. Choice of red, white or fortified wine at church. Also, eucharist wafers will be Twix.

6. Use googledocs.
(i.e. ten commandments will move from stone tablet to googledoc format for easy collaboration & revision tracking)
(i.e. instead of going to church, just have google hangouts)

7. Popemobile will be a Ferrari.

8. Gayness in the literal sense (i.e. same sex marriage) will be allowed in my church.
Gayness in the pejorative sense (i.e. "Clash of the Titans was so gay") will also be allowed in my church.

9. Vatican will be on a yacht.

10. Rosary will be shortened to 3 beads maximum.
(i.e. earring instead of necklace)

11. Marriage contracts will have fixed lengths.
(i.e. 1-year, 5-year, 10-year or pay-as-you-go marriage contract options)

12. No more altarboys.

13. Official Papal entrance music: "Jesus is just alright with me" by Doobie Brothers

14. Have the Bible translated into English (and moved to googledocs, see #6)

15. No more Star Wars movies (and I'll wipe out everything after the first 3.)

16. Confession will no longer be a required sacrament -- sins will now include built-in "implied confession". Plus, will also offer optional "pre-confession session" for those who want to save time by repenting BEFORE committing their sins.

17.  I will appoint Barack Obama as Prime Minister of Canada (Terry's idea but I like it)

This list will be updated, feel free to comment with suggestions.

Scam of the Day: Traveler's Meds

Anti-diarrhea meds always say "take with food"... but the food is what caused the diarrhea... so then they've got you in an infinite loop of drug dependency.

True Stories: Apple Customer Service, November 2012

For those who might try to deal with Apple for hardware repairs on an ailing iMac, here is a handy translation chart for understanding what they mean as opposed to what they say.

Note: this is a true story from my recent experience at the Apple Store (Fairview Mall, Toronto).

What they say...	What they mean...
"Based on the symptoms you described, its obvious that you need a new video card." - genius bar	Let's spend 2 weeks trying to see if we can fix it by replacing the logic board and hard drive instead - because its more expensive and more likely to cause you to buy a new computer.
"We will diagnose within 24-48 hours." - genius bar	We will diagnose in 2-4 weeks.
"We are working on your computer right now." - phone support	We are not working on your computer today.
"Your repair is ready for pickup." - website	Your repair is not ready for pickup, and won't be for at least another week.
"I have triple-confirmed that your repair is ready for pickup." - phone support	Your repair is still not ready for pickup.
"We need to talk to you about your repair." - phone support	We wanted you to waste another trip to the Apple Store for no reason other than to tell you that we still don't know how to fix your computer and are still trying.
"We cannot connect you to a Technician over the phone." - phone support	We can connect you to a technician over the phone, but I personally don't know how the phones work so I'll just say we don't do that, even though you just did that on your previous call to us.
"We will call you when the repair is done." - manager	We won't call you when the repair is done, but we will call you occasionally to reconfirm the fact that your repair is not done and we have no new information.
"Your repair case is closed." - website	We have closed your original repair case because we did part of the repair... but we opened a new repair case with a new reference number for the rest of the repair, and we're not going to tell you that or give you the new repair number... this way, when you contact us again, you are guaranteed to get conflicting information for maximum frustration.
"I will transfer you to the manager." - phone support	I will put you on hold, and while you're on hold,  several non-managers will occasionally pick up the call and ask you to reconfirm who you are, why you are calling, ask your postal code for some reason, and rehash all the details of your situation to this point.
"I value your feedback." - manager	I will smile and listen to your complaints without offering any suggestions or consolations... all the while simultaneously helping other customers complete purchases of miscellaneous wireless devices, cables and accessories.
"We apologize for the inconvenience." - manager, phone support, genius bar	We have no interest in talking you out of never buying another Apple product. This is your fault for still buying Apple computers now that Apple is no longer a computer company.
"Your repair is being worked on as we speak - it will definitely be done today... or at the very latest tomorrow morning." - manager	We don't even have the parts in stock, so no one is going to touch your computer until next week.
"We need your approval before we can replace the Bluetooth card." - store clerk	You already gave us approval to replace the Bluetooth card, even though the Bluetooth card was unrelated to the original repair, and was working fine when you brought the machine in... and by the way we already replaced it - I'm only asking you for approval again because I don't know how to read our paperwork.
"You don't need a Genius Bar appointment to come in and talk to us about your repair." - phone support	You do need a Genius Bar appointment to come in and talk about your repair, because the Geniuses are all busy doing important Geniusy things like showing people how to download apps on their iPhone.
"We can fix your iMac." - genius bar	We have no idea how to diagnose or repair iMacs... But, if you can live without your computer for a month, and don't mind spending hours each day during that month to deal with miscellaneous unnecessary bullshit, and you enjoy making pointless trips to the Apple store to rehash the phone bullshit just for fun, then we will eventually fix it quite easily by just replacing the obviously faulty piece of hardware that caused the problem.

Baby Mama Blues

Could have been overheard on 'White Trash Baby Mama Disputes Week' on Jerry Springer as two trailer park boys in wife-beater tops tug-of-war over their pregnant girlfriend:
"LEGGO MY PREGGO!"

Scam of the Day, vol. 1

I just heard a radio commercial for Mr. Transmission that claimed "nearly half of the transmissions we see can be repaired!" Wow, what a misleading way to spin "most people who walk in here get talked into buying a brand new transmission."

NHL lockout 2012

NHL Lockout Negotiations = Millionaires arguing over who gets to be Billionaires

Job Interview Tip #287

This is the absolute best answer ever to a classic interview question.

question: "What are your weaknesses?"
answer: "My only weakness is that I don't interview well."

It's easy to prove... and the worse your interview goes, the more credible you become.

Joe Camel Rides (Up) Again

"Camel Sack" - a storage bag slung over a camel, or the male equivalent of "camel toe"

fontcetera

little known fact #4609: the original working title for the "Helvetica" documentary was "I Shot The Serif"

new iPhone again

iPhone 5: first look

This is the wristband they were giving out to all the people who lined up overnight at the Apple store to get the first iPhone 5. Collector's item?

punnuendos #874

"I'd tap that," whispered Morse to his colleagues, upon noticing an attractive female telegraph operator.

Food Revelations, vol. 36

today's food revelation: hey... "raisins" are just Grape Jerky!

remember:

Grapes are just great,
Wine is just fine,
Jam is amazin'
But there's no excuse for a raisin!

How to Get a Free Dog

I have no idea why anyone would want a dog. That said, here's how you can get one, for free.

How to get a Free Dog, in 3 easy steps

1. Put up posters in your neighborhood:
LOST DOG
CASH REWARD
IF FOUND, PLEASE CALL (your phone number)

2. In a few days you will get a call from someone who will describe a dog they found. If it sounds good, say "That's him alright!" If not, say, "Nope, keep looking!"

3. When you've found the dog you like and had it delivered, the finder might ask about the "Cash Reward." If so, just say "That was also lost. Wasn't it with the dog?"