Not Even Close

Walking Dead Season 4 Predictions

After watching the Walking Dead Season 3 Finale, here are my official predictions for Season 4:

1. Carl, now a rebellious teen, will run away and start an all-zombie punk band called The Rocking Dead

2. Rick and Michonne will get it onne

3. Guvnor will be back next season, TWICE as evil as before (i.e. 2 eyepatches)

GIULIO FOR POPE 2013

Vote for me to be your next Pope!

My papal platform: If I am selected to be Pope, here's my to-do list:


1. Replace the word 'pimp' with the word 'pope' everywhere it appears
(i.e. Pope my ride, Poping aint easy, etc.)

2. Popes, while still not allowed to marry, WILL be allowed to have mistresses.
(Hot babes, not just nuns.)

3. Add a "Pope" button next to the "Poke" button on Facebook.

4. Nickelback will be declared a cardinal sin.

5. Choice of red, white or fortified wine at church. Also, eucharist wafers will be Twix.

6. Use googledocs.
(i.e. ten commandments will move from stone tablet to googledoc format for easy collaboration & revision tracking)
(i.e. instead of going to church, just have google hangouts)

7. Popemobile will be a Ferrari.

8. Gayness in the literal sense (i.e. same sex marriage) will be allowed in my church.
Gayness in the pejorative sense (i.e. "Clash of the Titans was so gay") will also be allowed in my church.

9. Vatican will be on a yacht.

10. Rosary will be shortened to 3 beads maximum.
(i.e. earring instead of necklace)

11. Marriage contracts will have fixed lengths.
(i.e. 1-year, 5-year, 10-year or pay-as-you-go marriage contract options)

12. No more altarboys.

13. Official Papal entrance music: "Jesus is just alright with me" by Doobie Brothers

14. Have the Bible translated into English (and moved to googledocs, see #6)

15. No more Star Wars movies (and I'll wipe out everything after the first 3.)

16. Confession will no longer be a required sacrament -- sins will now include built-in "implied confession". Plus, will also offer optional "pre-confession session" for those who want to save time by repenting BEFORE committing their sins.

17.  I will appoint Barack Obama as Prime Minister of Canada (Terry's idea but I like it)

This list will be updated, feel free to comment with suggestions.

Scam of the Day: Traveler's Meds

Anti-diarrhea meds always say "take with food"... but the food is what caused the diarrhea... so then they've got you in an infinite loop of drug dependency.

True Stories: Apple Customer Service, November 2012

For those who might try to deal with Apple for hardware repairs on an ailing iMac, here is a handy translation chart for understanding what they mean as opposed to what they say.

Note: this is a true story from my recent experience at the Apple Store (Fairview Mall, Toronto).

What they say...	What they mean...
"Based on the symptoms you described, its obvious that you need a new video card." - genius bar	Let's spend 2 weeks trying to see if we can fix it by replacing the logic board and hard drive instead - because its more expensive and more likely to cause you to buy a new computer.
"We will diagnose within 24-48 hours." - genius bar	We will diagnose in 2-4 weeks.
"We are working on your computer right now." - phone support	We are not working on your computer today.
"Your repair is ready for pickup." - website	Your repair is not ready for pickup, and won't be for at least another week.
"I have triple-confirmed that your repair is ready for pickup." - phone support	Your repair is still not ready for pickup.
"We need to talk to you about your repair." - phone support	We wanted you to waste another trip to the Apple Store for no reason other than to tell you that we still don't know how to fix your computer and are still trying.
"We cannot connect you to a Technician over the phone." - phone support	We can connect you to a technician over the phone, but I personally don't know how the phones work so I'll just say we don't do that, even though you just did that on your previous call to us.
"We will call you when the repair is done." - manager	We won't call you when the repair is done, but we will call you occasionally to reconfirm the fact that your repair is not done and we have no new information.
"Your repair case is closed." - website	We have closed your original repair case because we did part of the repair... but we opened a new repair case with a new reference number for the rest of the repair, and we're not going to tell you that or give you the new repair number... this way, when you contact us again, you are guaranteed to get conflicting information for maximum frustration.
"I will transfer you to the manager." - phone support	I will put you on hold, and while you're on hold,  several non-managers will occasionally pick up the call and ask you to reconfirm who you are, why you are calling, ask your postal code for some reason, and rehash all the details of your situation to this point.
"I value your feedback." - manager	I will smile and listen to your complaints without offering any suggestions or consolations... all the while simultaneously helping other customers complete purchases of miscellaneous wireless devices, cables and accessories.
"We apologize for the inconvenience." - manager, phone support, genius bar	We have no interest in talking you out of never buying another Apple product. This is your fault for still buying Apple computers now that Apple is no longer a computer company.
"Your repair is being worked on as we speak - it will definitely be done today... or at the very latest tomorrow morning." - manager	We don't even have the parts in stock, so no one is going to touch your computer until next week.
"We need your approval before we can replace the Bluetooth card." - store clerk	You already gave us approval to replace the Bluetooth card, even though the Bluetooth card was unrelated to the original repair, and was working fine when you brought the machine in... and by the way we already replaced it - I'm only asking you for approval again because I don't know how to read our paperwork.
"You don't need a Genius Bar appointment to come in and talk to us about your repair." - phone support	You do need a Genius Bar appointment to come in and talk about your repair, because the Geniuses are all busy doing important Geniusy things like showing people how to download apps on their iPhone.
"We can fix your iMac." - genius bar	We have no idea how to diagnose or repair iMacs... But, if you can live without your computer for a month, and don't mind spending hours each day during that month to deal with miscellaneous unnecessary bullshit, and you enjoy making pointless trips to the Apple store to rehash the phone bullshit just for fun, then we will eventually fix it quite easily by just replacing the obviously faulty piece of hardware that caused the problem.

Baby Mama Blues

Could have been overheard on 'White Trash Baby Mama Disputes Week' on Jerry Springer as two trailer park boys in wife-beater tops tug-of-war over their pregnant girlfriend:
"LEGGO MY PREGGO!"

Scam of the Day, vol. 1

I just heard a radio commercial for Mr. Transmission that claimed "nearly half of the transmissions we see can be repaired!" Wow, what a misleading way to spin "most people who walk in here get talked into buying a brand new transmission."

NHL lockout 2012

NHL Lockout Negotiations = Millionaires arguing over who gets to be Billionaires

Job Interview Tip #287

This is the absolute best answer ever to a classic interview question.

question: "What are your weaknesses?"
answer: "My only weakness is that I don't interview well."

It's easy to prove... and the worse your interview goes, the more credible you become.

Joe Camel Rides (Up) Again

"Camel Sack" - a storage bag slung over a camel, or the male equivalent of "camel toe"

fontcetera

little known fact #4609: the original working title for the "Helvetica" documentary was "I Shot The Serif"

new iPhone again

iPhone 5: first look

This is the wristband they were giving out to all the people who lined up overnight at the Apple store to get the first iPhone 5. Collector's item?

punnuendos #874

"I'd tap that," whispered Morse to his colleagues, upon noticing an attractive female telegraph operator.

Food Revelations, vol. 36

today's food revelation: hey... "raisins" are just Grape Jerky!

remember:

Grapes are just great,
Wine is just fine,
Jam is amazin'
But there's no excuse for a raisin!

How to Get a Free Dog

I have no idea why anyone would want a dog. That said, here's how you can get one, for free.

How to get a Free Dog, in 3 easy steps

1. Put up posters in your neighborhood:
LOST DOG
CASH REWARD
IF FOUND, PLEASE CALL (your phone number)

2. In a few days you will get a call from someone who will describe a dog they found. If it sounds good, say "That's him alright!" If not, say, "Nope, keep looking!"

3. When you've found the dog you like and had it delivered, the finder might ask about the "Cash Reward." If so, just say "That was also lost. Wasn't it with the dog?"

Ode to a '98 Civic

to the tune of American Pie by Don McLean...

Bye, Bye, Ninety-Eight Civic Guy
Drove in panic to mechanic 'cuz the oilpan's dry
Them good old boys topped it up as I cried
Sayin 'This'll be the day your car dies,
this'll be the day your car dies...'

Curse of Manhood #475: The Cruel Irony of Shaving

Every time a man shaves his beard to appear younger, he reveals an increasingly older face underneath.

Food 2.0

Alternate name for Shepherd's Pie: Little Bo Beef

Hire Me, Hersheys

I suppose someone already thought of this, but: great idea for a new valentine's candy: a Hershey's Kiss with a liquid chocolate centre.The name: obviously the "Hershey's Wet Kiss"

The Midas Crema

I just received an email saying I'm now a Starbucks 'gold member'. Is that anything like an Austin Powers Gold Member? Either way, I will now order only 'golden lattes' and insist they are sprinkled with gold flakes. (right... then the barista takes my cup under the counter and mutters 'I got yer golden latte right here pal')

What's the difference between an Artist and a Designer?

As someone who has been both, I am often asked 'What's the difference between an Artist and a Designer?' After all, the finished work of either could often be identical to the other - so is the distinction found only in the method?

One simple definition could be to say that designers give what people want or need, whereas artists give people what they didn't know they wanted or needed.

Considering that, as well as all the subtle differences (i.e. Designers get paid, Artists get chicks; Designers have fake bed-head, Artists have real bed-head), I think I have distilled the most concise answer:

Artists end sentences with periods; Designers end sentences with question marks.

example:
"This is what you wanted." versus "This is what you wanted?"

Tuning in Tokyo

Little known fact #9762: Etch-A-Sketch was invented by a guy who really liked titties.

Ode to Cheese Trays

Ode to Cheese Trays

Oh tell me you didn't buy
Another cheese tray

Please tell me, why oh why
Another cheese tray?

I hope that you have receipts
For all the cheese trays

Because we can't serve fruits or meats
On these, they're cheese trays

Mice will be at the door
Saying 'Please serve us some more
On your wonderful cheese trays.'

Even if we had our own cheese store
We'd only need two, three or four
So 'til then, please don't bring home any more.


Just keep the one that you adore
And leave the rest at the dollar store
Or you'll see what the cheese knife is for.

Is this one just for swiss or brie?
Or for cheddar, or all 3?
No, wait -- this one's just for me...
So at least I
Don't have to buy
Another cheese tray.

Overheard Over Brunch

overheard over brunch at the Drake Hotel lounge...
patrons: (discussing Toronto music scene)
waiter: "Hi, I'm Jeff [Somethingorother]... I have an album on iTunes!"
patron: "Hi, Jeff... can you bring us some coffee?"

classic conquotination, vol. 3

Another classic from Terry the other day: "whatever rocks your boat"... which I suppose is a mix of "whatever floats your boat" and "don't rock the boat"?
Since the 2 original phrases have almost opposite meanings, I'm not sure what the new phrase is supposed to mean. Any ideas?

Brogrammer At Work

from the "Workplace Courtesy Signs" series by Giulio Quaglieri

what is a brogrammer

download PDF

Fish aint Food, vol. 1

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and there's more steak for the rest of us.

Where not to go in T.O.

Seen in a sketchy corner of town: "Schaffer's Rib Joint & Massage Parlour - Home of the Dry Rub & Tug"

Ask Dr. Sports, Vol. 33

Q: What is the NBA Draft?
A: That's when a bunch of teams you don't remember argue over a bunch of people you never heard of and then trade them for reasons you don't understand.

Popular Taglines Continued, Vol. 1

Everyone loves Marineland... (except for fish of course - to them, its just a prison)

English-Quebecois Dictionary, vol. 1

"JE ME SOUVIENS" = bad driver on board

Boys vs. Girls: Arithmetic

overheard at a restaurant...
boy: "I think I should drive tonight, you had too much to drink."
girl: "No... I should drive... you drank more than me!"
boy: "I had 1 drink."
girl: "I also had 1 drink."
boy: "My cooler was only 7% alcohol. Your wine was 14% alcohol."
girl: "No... the whole bottle is 14%. I just had 1 glass."
(pause)
boy: "I am definitely driving."

How to Open Milk

from the "Workplace Courtesy Signs" series by Giulio Quaglieri

Please Keep Fridge Door Closed

from the "Workplace Courtesy Signs" series by Giulio Quaglieri

Tim Horton's Recipes Revealed, vol. 1

little-known fact: the new Tim Horton's "smores" donut is just a double-chocolate donut that fell on the floor.

Tips for Job Hunters, vol. 12

Looking for job opportunities at Research in Motion? Just update your facebook/linkedin status to "looking for a good rim job"

Poetica, vol. 1

 

Could not write haikus

Was always too difficult

Need one more word

 

Presso vs. Aeropress vs. French Press vs. Real Espresso Machine

This is a comparative review of the Presso and Aeropress manual gourmet coffee presses. French Press and Commercial Grade (Real) Espresso Machine are added as reference points.

NOTE: this assumes you have access to properly-ground, freshly roasted, good quality coffee beans. If not, replace all results with "shitty".

	Presso	Aeropress	French Press	Commercial Grade Espresso Machine
Price (approx.)	$$$	$$	$	$$$$
Complexity of use	easy	complex	medium	medium
Americano-style coffee: flavour	great	great	great	great
Espresso-style coffee: flavour	good	not bad	(do not use)	great
Espresso-style coffee: crema	some	none	none	great
Lattes	who cares	who cares	who cares	who cares
When not in use, it...	looks cool	tucks away	looks cool	wastes space
Cleaning it is	very easy	easy	almost easy	easy
Coolness type	industrial-cool	geek-cool	euro-cool	bling-cool
Other cons	you need to preheat it	disposable paper filters required	unique taste	it will break down and/or require maintenance eventually

Osama Bin Hiding

Since they claim to have conducted DNA testing to verify the identity of the corpse they shot up, that means the US has had Osama's DNA for a while. So my question is: Why have they wasted several years searching for the 'real' Osama when they could have just cloned another one and just shot that one?

Marketing Mantras Demystified, Vol. 1

Being one step ahead of the competition is pointless when you're both running in circles.

Ingordnito

Little known facts #429: No one ever keeps the name Gordon. Examples:
Gordon Sumner: "Sting"
Gordon Sims: "Venus Flytrap"
Gordon Shumway: "Alf"
Steven Gordon: "Flash Gordon"

The Title Sells It, vol. 4

Idea for a TLC reality show about a Chinese-American couple: we follow them as he tries to convince her to be his wife... it's called "Will Yu, Mary Mi"

Hollywood Doesn't Want You to Know, vol. 12

Little known fact: TRUE GRIT is a remake of the Wizard of Oz, except the scarecrow is cogburn, the tin man is a texas ranger, and the wizard is the dude who shot dorothy's pappy. also, toto is now a pony for some reason.

Beaver Fever

Overheard at the American Music Awards...
Leslie Nielsen: "Nice Bieber"
Usher: "Thanks, I just had him stuffed"

It Came From Beneath the Seat....

"Don't worry, it will come to pass" said the driving instructor, pointing at the car with no turn signals driven by a naked woman.

Bad Advice from the English

Little Known Fact #28614:
"Keeping your chin up" just makes it easier for someone to punch you in the face.

I have the power (failure)

Just once, why can't a power failure end at 12 midnight? (i.e. so we wouldn't have to change the time on the microwave)

Death by Cola

Coca Colon: deterioration of the lining of the colon, caused by drinking too many acidic soft drinks

Ring my Bell

Quasimodo wasn't sure why he kept rolling out of bed... but he had a hunch.

T-Shirts for Transvestites, vol. 1

seen on a post-op hooker's blouse: "WARNING: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS"

The Hand of Dog: FIFA 2010 recap

Some goals that should have been were called off,
while other goals that should NOT have been were left in...

Some players faked injuries when they weren't even touched,
while other players deliberately tried to injure anyone in their way...

The first round resulted in Tie after Tie after Tie,
And USA did better than Italy...

So someone please tell me: WHY DO THEY CALL THIS THE BEAUTIFUL GAME?

The Golden Rules, revised

direct from stoned tablets...

"Do unto others before they do unto you"

"Treat others as you wish them to be treated"

"Remember Black Sabbath and keep it holy"

NEW Classic Comebacks to Worn-Out Greetings, Volume 1

inspired by "Hey!" is for horses...
"Hi!" is for kites
"Yo!" is only half the story
"Hello" is a gelatin-based dessert served by Satan

How to have fun in Toronto, vol. 1

Every time someone says 'g20', yell out 'BINGO!'

Paintball Tactics, vol. 1

When playing Paintball, it's a good idea to carry a paintbrush in your ankle holster, in case of hand-to-hand combat.

Ramble on...

So my wife is sitting there, babbling on about the same thing for hours on end...
So I interject: "Girl, you sound like a broken record!"
Then it hits me: I COLLECT broken records.

We cater to adulterers...

Printed on a receipt from Quizno's:
"HAVING AN AFFAIR? WE CATER!"
Nice.

(Advertisement)

danko bones

Top 3 Signs held up by horny women at Danko Jones concerts...
3. "Left my boyfriend in the trunk"
2. "Hey Mango Kid -- I eat Mangos for Breakfast"
3. "Danko's Spank-ho"

Great Drinking Songs, vol. 1

If you replace every occurrence of "sun" with "moon",
"You are my sunshine...." becomes a great drinking song.

Just Disgusting

"I don't know what came over me," said the blind man after the orgy.

Classic Fairy Tails De-bunked, Vol. 19

King Midas was just a dude who liked to pee on stuff.

poems of the lonely farm boy, vol. 1

The feathers plucked out
one by one...
"She loves me not,
but that was fun."

classic conquotination, vol. 2

Terry describes the best ribs she ever had: "They're so good they just fall out of your mouth."
I was confused until I decoded it as the combination of "melts in your mouth" and "falls of the bone".

Italese, vol. 9

Little known fact: "Where's Waldo?" was originally the Italian "Dové Dildo?"

Well known sayings, the ORIGINAL versions, vol. 2377

If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back to you... then, you've got them right where you want them!

Poker anyone?

Gladiator?
I'm not even glad I met her!

Coming unglued

As seen on the label of a bottle of industrial-strength glue: "suitable for outdoor use"
So that's means what? ...like, gluing a squirrel to a tree?
-contributed by Jeffrey Mo

poem of the day

world's shortest poem denouncing rice dishes as a viable meal suggestion:

Pilaf?
Don't make milaf.

2 Dudes at the bar, chapter 1

overheard at the bar...
"Dude, that waitress was ALL OVER ME!"
"Dude, she probably just wants the tip."
"Dude, I think she wants the whole penis!"

aussie logic, vol. 1

"Throw some shrimp on the barbie" - refers to BBQ shrimp

"Throw some barbies on the shrimp" - refers to a short australian guy having a threesome with 2 girls

Forza Italia

You can't spell "genitalia" without "italia"

Question of the Month for August 2009

What do you call 10,000 Nickelback CDs at the bottom of Lake Ontario?

No, but seriously: what do you call it? I'm filling out a work order.

Jokes with no Punchline, Vol. 1

So a quadriplegic walks into a bar...

You can fool some of the people some of the time

"The oldest trick in the book" still works on illiterates.

T-Shirt Slogans for Morons, vol. 2

"HONK IF YOU LOVE CAR HORNS"

Little Know Facts, Vol. 871

LITTLE KNOWN FACT # 808:

1 in 10 orgies involve at least one confused but pleasantly surprised dyslexic ogre.

Etiquette Haikus, vol. 1

If you ever come across
A woman in a white dress,
You won't have to wipe it off.

lucky o'hare

Little Known Fact #757:
Rabbits often carry a Leprechaun foot on their keychains for good luck.

T-Shirt Slogans for Morons, vol. 1

I don't understand why everything has to be so confusing.

dreamline, vol. 9

I have this recurring dream where I'm at a karaoke bar, and Borat is there performing, but he just keeps singing "Throw the Giulio down the well, so my country can be free..."
What could it mean?

optimist/pessimist vol. 12

Said the optimist to the pessimist:
"If we turn back now, we're halfway there"

fun with greetings

get a guaranteed double-take:
replace the phrase "knock yourself out" with "knock yourself up"

I am the friarstarter

Canadians should start referring to American Thanksgiving as "the Yankee Thank-ee"

little known definitions, vol. 2

niagra - erectile dysfunction pill (for long-lasting, farther urine stream)

Amphibbin' Vol. 26

Is it OK to cook an alligator in a crock pot?

tips for wedding bliss

tip #13:

Make sure to sign a pre-nup, a nup, AND a post-nup.

A.W.E. (1st installment)

Absolute Worst Ever... S&M Safety Words
1. harder
2. monsoon
3. auger
4. lower
5. serum

snappy answers to classic sayings, vol. 12

"Why beat a dead horse?"

"because I want GLUE, dammit!"

Fun with Midgets, Vol. 1

Midgets as messengers:
With every delivery, they must say "sorry for the short notice."

Lessons from the Marriage Guru, vol. 1

Young Acolyte:
"Master, what are your thoughts on marriage?"

Marriage Guru:
"My son,
If you can find a woman on this earth
who loves you
and is your equal
and makes you better
and enriches your life
and is your soul mate
Then with all the power in your heart
Take her and love her and shower her with respect and admiration forever
...but do NOT tell your wife about her."

Which came first: breakfast or lunch?

Well-known fact #1:

The reason we eat eggs for breakfast and chicken for lunch is that if you ate the chicken for breakfast, how would you get the eggs for lunch?

That's one for the boc's.

Who invented cool?

Little Known Fact #26133:

Shade was invented by trees.

Upcoming Comeuppance

Doctor G's Pre-Wedding Advice for Doomed Grooms


1) where there's hope, elope

2) prenup? giddy-up!

3) keep your vows quantifiable & measurable

optimism, vol. 111: fun with fractions

If you can *ALMOST* convince ONE GIRL to have sex with you,
you're already HALFWAY to a THREEWAY!

(props to Jimmy O'Rourke, of course.)

Ratlantic Tails

Little Known Fact #9192:
There is no public trash collection in the Canadian Maritime provinces!
Instead of dragging their trash to the curb, they let in pile up in their garage.
Then, when their garage is full, they just put up a sign that says "Antiques".

sludge factory

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS #429:
McDonalds was forced to change the name of their Shamrock Shake because it contained no real Shamrocks. To solve the problem, they purchased Mike Myers, created a series of movies named after the sound made by the shake dispenser, then non-chalantly introduced the renamed "Swampwater Sludge McFlurry" beverage in time to promote the third movie instalment. When asked by reporters: "What if they ask you to rename it again because it's not really swampwater sludge?", Ronald winked and replied "trust me, not a problem."

Gedi Mind Tricks vol. 1

ok, think of something.
NOW I WILL READ YOUR MIND!...
you're thinking...

"There's NO WAY he knows what I'm thinking"

EXCELSIOR!

why scottish people don't like motorcycles

Doctor's Almanac - Vol. 24

bagpipes: a condition caused by riding a motorcycle while wearing a kilt